I Talked to my Vagina, and this happened...
Just like many women, I had been conditioned to not know my feminine power. It was bottled up and served to me as the "perfect, obedient daughter, then as either the "we don't love these thots/whores/sluts" or the "virginal ever-giving wife/mother" and then to matriculate as the "unacknowledged bitter old lady or ever-giving grannie". The perspective of femininity and womanhood was prescribed to me as desires and ownership of men versus how I view and claim myself.
When I decided to reclaim my femininity, womanhood, and sexuality journey; I had no idea how big and complex my journey to self reclamation would become. I knew it was more than throwing on some high heels, deep red lipstick or a pink dress, OR taking sexual prowess into town to find my latest subject. What I found it to be was a journey of stillness and simply being me; and all that it encompassed.
This journey began after a message board in a private Facebook group charged the members to do a practice the admin coined as "Mirroring", to take a mirror and talk to their vaginas and share their experience on the thread. Initially upon reading the post, I was completely taken back by the idea; not only have I never considered talking to my vagina, I would have never thought to take a mirror to actually LOOK at her either! The matter of fact, In all my, at the time, 25 years I have never looked at her for the sake of admiring or giving her attention and adoration. While I was aware, from self-examination, that I had a vulva down there and that consisted of lips, major and minor, a clitoris, vaginal opening, and a urethra... other than anatomical knowledge, I had no true experience with my OWN vulva-vaginal area.
After reading, out of sheer curiosity, some of the women's responses to the activity, I decided to give it a try. Heck, I had a few days before my period was to start and from the positivity in the posts, I didn't suppose any adverse affects. That next night after showering up, I ambitiously decided to take a squat at the end of my bed with a hand mirror in tow and begin my conquest of pussy admiration and conversation. I looked at what I believe to be was lovingly and attentive, and slightly curious at my vulva and was I in for a surprise! I began to nitpick the areas I felt could be more beautiful- I really had no point of reference of any other vaginas but somehow felt that mine was not up to par, what every par is.
I immediately began to feel a rise in emotional discomfort, a sadness and hurt. I had no idea how judgmental I could be to a space that has done nothing to me, but to attempt to provide a space for pleasure and magnetismPerplexed my my emotional discontentment, I decided to end this unpleasant encounter and go to bed.
I laid in bed in fetus position with my hands clasped together between my legs. I could not rest nor sleep because the emotional tension I felt lingered over me like rain clouds. That whole night felt like Solange's song Cranes in the Sky, and I did not want to feel those metal clouds. I felt angry and betrayed and directed it towards the women and their posts on that Facebook thread. Not damn one of them mentioned anger, fear, anxiety, and sadness in their posts. It was mostly about them feeling liberated, empowered, connected, seen and heard. I felt none of those except seen, and exposed. I felt shame. I felt shame that I felt shame. I did not feel liberated but caged in, I did not feel empowered, I felt disempowered, I did not feel connected, I felt the deeper desire to stay disconnected. All these feelings and I had no idea how to process them. Then it hit me, I decided to un-join the group, because that somehow was the root of my problem and would lift these heavy clouds. I grabbed my phone, went straight to the Facebook app, clicked on the group and as I went to find the button to remove myself from the group, there was the discussion post pinned to the top with a comment that stated my true sentiments.
To paraphrase the commenter said something to the effect:
I finally see how unseen I was. How lovingly unlovable she is, I am, we are. I see all the times I said "Yes" when I meant "No". Feel all the neglect from not being heard, valued, loved, and cared for. I feel the tightness of cramps I feel the pain of discolored discharge. I feel his reside, I feel abandoned I feel anger at all those who I allowed to do me wrong. More so I feel ALL of me. And that is scary and uncomfortable. More importantly I feel the need to release it all. But for now, I hold space to feel it all, for I have not felt anything here in a very long time.
I cried like a 25-year old woman. I cried like a 4-year old girl. I cried like a 16-year old girl, I cried like a 22-year old woman. I cried right there in that moment as ALL parts of me. Not only did I see each part of me, I allowed myself to feel each one of them, for I suppressed each of their experience deep into my psyche and my womb space to be forgotten. I freed them that night and those clouds lifted from me. I felt connected to my body, my vagina, my being. I felt relief, I felt at ease, I FELT LIBERATED.
This is where I began my sensual healing and empowerment journey. If you were wondering, no, I did not leave the group.
Please share your experience of Vaginal Mirror Talk. What came up for you? What new awareness did you gain?